Commodore Pizza

Why Transformers 3 Sucked Ass

When the first transformers came out, everyone including myself was like “fuck yeah transformers live action, been waitin on this shit since the fourth grade” then its all badass and shit when you get to see optimus transform for the first time and everybody creams their pants and it started a revolution. great

now the second one comes out. and michael bay is like, well fuck, everybody has seen all this shit before, so i gotta derp in some more cgi and instead of just action, lets make this an action comedy. and they tried too hard to make it funny and it just did not mesh well at all. 

now

to the third one

here we go

michael bay is like well shit. we fucked the 2nd one up because it demoralized the film by bringing in the role of comedy. which doesnt belong in transformers. and the 1st one was successful with just action. so lets make the third one MORE ACTIONIER WITH MORE SPECIAL EFFECTS. and then everybody’s gonna be like hell yeah this shit’s badass it totally makes up for the story having a suckass plot

now, directing aside

this is where it gets fun

OPTIMUS PRIME WAS TRAPPED IN TWINE FOR 20 MINUTES. now, i understand where you can be like well we didnt actually see that happen because of time lapse, blahzayblah. but thats not true, the humans specifically said “we need to get optimus in there, no sign of him anywhere” THERE WERE 5 AUTOBOTS TRYING TO FREE HIM FROM TWINE AND CABLING FOR 20 MINUTES!? WTF. and not just that. ironhide dies in the most anticlimactic way possible.  and bumblebee’s old autobot friend dies while they’re fighting near the end. and he’s like man im outnumbered here i guess i’ll give up and die

and then a small spacecraft falls from the sky and that small distraction is enough for him to be like FUCK THIS SHIT! DIEEEEEE EVERYONE DIEEE. and he kills like 10 decepticons by himself. why couldnt he do this before? it makes absolutely no sense. one falling vehicle isnt going to distract 10 decepticons long enough to die by one autobot. its absolute rubbish. its awful. and then like fuckin sentinel prime is like yeah nigga we can fly and shit, but im gonna put this one pylon pillar shit in the most convenient place possible for it to be stopped instead of just floating it out into space and activating it there knowing full well that autobots cant fly

and regardless of EVERYONE on earth knowing this pillar just so happened to be there, out of all the planes and rocket launchers, and autobots, and retards with guns. no one thinks to be like hey guys, we can totally just shoot it now. but they have to wait until optimus prime breaks free of the fucking twine twenty minutes later and be like oh hey, the pillars right there, i suppose i’ll shoot it from a mile away, derp

movie end

and i dont know if you know anything about physics and gravity, but they seemed to be nonexistant in that movie, considering the fact that they teleported a sun-sized massive fucking planet to earth and yet everyone on earth was like damn, that’s a sweet planet you might say. when in reality, something with the gravitational pull of 10 earths would just suck everything from earth to cybertron and crush it immediately based on atmospheric pressure.

Fuck that movie, i want my two hours back. And my $8. I’ll keep the movie pass too